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Donald

“I’ve got to use some Tic Tacs, just in case I start kissing her. You know I’m automatically attracted to beautiful — I just start kissing them. It’s like a magnet. Just kiss. I don’t even wait.”

“And when you’re a star, they let you do it, you can do anything.”

“Grab them by the pussy, you can do anything.”

Last week we witnessed an extraordinary twist in the US presidential reality show, one which elicited a wave of GOP defections and Democratic expressions of outrage far and wide.  The conversation took place in 2005, but Trump’s offensive language and unbridled objectification of the women he is discussing has catapulted this issue dead centre into the last weeks of the campaign. Michele Obama has made one of her impassioned speeches, Republicans are finally throwing up their hands and Hillary is, no doubt, enjoying herself immensely.

If one were to walk past a group of thirteen year old boys sneaking a beer behind the bleachers while ogling cheerleaders, hearing such a conversation might still be concerning, but perhaps not so surprising. One could simply name it as the guileless and rather gutless babble of an insecure boy, showing off by telling tales. The fact that these words have in fact sprung from the imagination of a contender for the highest office in the US of A is another matter.

It is impossible to hear Trump speak without feeling revulsion, amazement and fascination. It is also bizarre to watch both men be so caught in false character, living a duet of a performance but one that is fatally misaligned. It’s a bit like watching a car accident unfold on the highway, as if in slow motion. You know horrific things happen in life, but here it is in this moment, actually screeching and exploding in front of you, and there’s no stopping it now.

Peter

I once spoke with a man, let’s call him Peter, who is known by his friends as having great success with women sexually. He is reasonably good-looking, but there is more to him that that. He is proud of his prowess, and few women have not responded to his advances. Once in conversation he shared with me just how easy it was to seduce a woman, and that it was all about his own confidence. There was no place for shyness. If you know what you want and don’t hesitate, it is so easy, he said. If only most men knew what he did, they could easily pull it off. Women of all ages, even varying sexual orientations were responsive. He could pick up complete strangers and bed them in record time.

I’m not suggesting that Peter was assaulting women.  His conquests were definitely consensual. He has technique, and hutzpah, and charm. But it was suggested that any man could have these successes with women, if only they had some bravado, even a little aggression, because that is what women respond to, that is what wins them over, even if they are unclear in their own minds. Apparently Latino and Italian men have long known this. A feminine woman loves a strong man.

We all know men who operate like this, and most women will admit that, against their better judgement, and usually after a couple of glasses of wine, they have slept with them. Not because they felt there was a possibility of a future relationship, not because they had interests in common or even felt they were an appropriate match, but because the man was assertive, and the women gave in.  The women often didn’t even take the time to really consider whether they wanted to accept such an advance or not, or they remained caught in ambivalence, numbness, embarrassment or even fear. And of course this is the tip of the iceberg.  These are the date nights gone wrong, nowhere near rape, and yet awash with toxic shame and regret. Or at the very least, emptiness, an abiding hollowness which forever marks both parties, tainted by an unconscious act which has very little to do with the pure, beautifully potent exchange that sexual intimacy is meant to be.

Dmitri

Then there are those who take it to the next level.  Here in Toronto, we have a vivid local example known as Dmitri the Lover.

Dmitri, or James Sears, is a disgraced physician, self-proclaimed sex guru and founder of the bizarre Toronto Real Men meetings and workshops, as well as a failed politician and publisher of a hate-filled newsletter. (Sound familiar?) Famous for collecting their business cards and then seducing huge numbers of women all over the city, Sears was brought to notoriety by a viral video of the extraordinarily arrogant voice messages he left for one “Olga” when she did not return his calls.

Dmitri would probably have a great deal to chat about with Donald if they met for coffee. Both shocking narcissists, they have learned to apply this principle of unbridled “confidence” in approaching women to a disturbing degree.

Dmitri stands in opposition to what he describes as metrosexuals, men he sees as being feminized out of their potency, as well as homosexual men whom he blatantly attacks. He cites his Greek heritage as the source of his own obsessive, hetereosexual dominance. Given Dmitri’s clear misogyny, self-absorption and homophobia, we can be sure he has known some kind of sexual trauma in his own life, and twisted powerful cultural stereotypes as survival tools.  This is a global phenomenon I know as the wounded masculine. In its layered articulation, it is not simply the territory of gender, but of archetypal association, although all those who have incarnated in male bodies have a special relationship to this wound.

Jian

Toronto has recently witnessed another choice example of this phenomenon in the once popular, now fallen-from-grace CBC radio host, Jian Ghomeshi. In 2016, Ghomeshi’s story played out in a very public trial, wherein he faced multiple sexual abuse charges relating to non-consensual aggressive and violent sexual acts. He was acquitted on all charges due to a searingly heartless defence which focused upon the contradictory behaviour of the complainants.  Every one of them watched as their testimony was discredited by reports of such actions as sending revealing photos and sexually inviting emails to Ghomeshi after the alleged assaults.  It seemed that these women, while hurt and troubled by his actions, kept coming back for more. There are many, many layers to this story, but I believe there is one root issue, the one we witness so perfectly played out in the “bus” video of the Republican nominee for president of the United States.

What Stops Women from Stopping Men?

What do Peter, Dmitri, Jian Ghomeshi and the Donald have in common? They are here to wake us up to a deep seated patterning of powerlessness and victimization carried by women, historically, karmically, and as a gender.  Yes these men are troubled, dangerous and offensive representatives of the wounded masculine.  Yes they must be made aware of and accountable for their actions. But a much greater question remains all but unseen in this discussion. What stops women from stopping men such as these? Is it possible that the conscious choices that women make are just as important, or even more important, than the actions of unconscious men?

I come to this issue as a woman who knows this patterning, who has tasted the anesthesia of victimization in her own mouth. I don’t know.. are there any women who have not? I once sat in a a circle of my university aged friends and every woman in the room had been assaulted at some point. One or two with weapons. I had my own stories to share.

One of my earliest memories as toddler is of a game earning coveted toys in exchange for sexual favours requested by a much older boy. At age ten I was pursued daily through the woods by middle aged instructor at a summer camp. At the age of thirteen I was pulled into a barn at night by a cowboy, who wrestled me against a wall and then asked me why I let him touch me.  At fifteen I was molested by a masturbating stranger in the middle of a packed crowd at the Louvre in Paris. At twenty-one I was cornered by a girlfriend’s sociopathic lover who used me to hurt her. At twenty-three I was threatened, cornered and verbally attacked for hours by a boyfriend. At twenty-five I was shamed and physically abused by a male doctor during an examination. These are but a handful of incidents among many and yet not once do I remember crying out, pushing back, fighting for my own needs. I simply tried to pull free, and I wept. Mostly I crawled away from being present within my own skin. My powerlessness was immense.

Audrie and Daisy

Since these days I have been blessed by a deep swath of personal transformation in my life that has lifted me into a whole other world of relationship with both women and men. But some girls and women face devastating experiences which take over their world. Their lives are broken, or they answer their pain through suicide.  The documentary Audrie and Daisy is a powerful window into the price of “slut shaming” and the fierce, soul level battle some women are here to fight.

My battles have been more inward, though not without poignant drama. I have raised two sons as well as a daughter, and I have witnessed the perpetuation of this wounding from the inside. I have seen the terrible suffering, not just of girls, but of boys caught in this lie.

It is no one’s fault. There is no one to blame. This is a human, inescapable, historical and multi-gendered wound which cries out for love from all sides, and until we accept this truth, no real healing can come. 

So when I say that what is missing is a piece that also lies in the hands of women, this statement holds no judgement but rather ultimate empowerment and freedom. We cannot escape our captors while we continue to let them hold the key. The enemy is always our gift, our awakener, an expression and aspect of divine love. It is up to us to receive the message and be fueled by it into our own integration of shadow and light. Victims need persecutors just as much as persecutors need victims. Shadow must have light, God/Goddess/Spirit/Source must expand into duality in order to be reborn into union. Infinity must inhale and exhale, and the snake must eat his own tail.

Victimization

The media has been alive with condemnation and disgust of Trump, an almost unanimous response of accusation toward a man who is clearly infantile. But let’s shift our attention just for a minute, away from how this creepy fellow responds to a beautiful woman, and instead look at how that woman responds to him.

“And when you’re a star, they let you do it, you can do anything.”

“Grab them by the pussy, you can do anything.”

Over and over again, media and personal responses to these men seem to see solely their actions, joining in a rallying cry about how terrible and soul-less they are. And yet, are we not perpetuating the problem by focusing upon the men as media stars and relegating the women to their familiar role as powerless and pitiful?  Do we not embed the patterning of victimization when we take away the autonomy of women, their right to know that they in fact hold a tremendous power within themselves to change the nature of their own experiences?  Are we so afraid to be seen as anti-feminist and politically incorrect, that we are willing to doing a disservice to the very women who on a soul level are asking to be liberated from their own fear?

As an intuitive and a teacher of consciousness and vibrational mastery, I have spent countless hours working with clients to help them step out of patterns of victimization in their lives. Not all victimization is related to sexuality, but much of it is. Not all sexual victimization is associated with the female gender, but much of it is. And one of things my female clients quickly learn is that the more they focus on an offending man, the more they give attention, fear and attachment to an “abuser”, the more they are held back from claiming themselves as powerful, worthy and capable of choosing the kind of relationships they want in their lives. Conversely, the more they dare to take a profoundly humbling journey into the skeletal structures of their own wounding, their own egoic protections, the more they dare to cleanse their ancient grief and witness instead a profound need for unconditional love, the sooner they may rise from the ashes and soar.

Patterning

After decades of dedicated study in the work of uncovering the fear-based patterning which unconsciously rules most of our lives, I have come to learn the most remarkable, life-altering truth: we are never a victim when we can bear witness to the meaning and purpose of the challenges given to us in this incarnation upon our soul’s path.

I call this Karma. It has nothing to do with blame, retribution or punishment. There is no debt, no spiteful record keeper in the sky. But Karma is our teacher, it is the thread of the story which runs throughout the process of our awakening, our coming to consciousness. Our suffering is not a mistake, we have done nothing wrong.  Rather it has been given to us to illuminate us, so that we may recognize the truth of ourselves, the magnificent, profound nature that is our aligned essence, the one whom we have always been, and whom we will always be. The one who cannot be demeaned, devalued or abused. The one who knows her own worth, and therefore draws experiences of worthiness into her life.

I am well aware that to those who are new to this perspective, misinterpretations may easily arise. Especially for those who may be carrying their own well of karmic pain and those who have experienced victimization themselves, the words “victim-blaming” may come to mind.  In fact, this perspective I present is the exact opposite, because there is simply no blame to be found, only players in a sophisticated drama of human theatre, writing and rewriting all the scenes of their lives.

Quite apart from one’s acceptance of a karmic soul journey spanning many lifetimes, even a simple ancestral view can bring us to the same truth. Rumour has it that Dmitri the Lover had a father who was severely abusive and a mother who was mentally ill. Who knows what each of his parents experienced as children and throughout life. Who knows what their fathers and mothers lived, and their mothers and fathers before them. But we do know that they suffered, because it is to be human to feel, and we are asked to feel it all. 

We can certainly glimpse the karmic journey of James Sears, and consider that once he was a little boy, born into a painful world. Somewhere he lost his capacity for compassion, drowning in an intense hunger for sexual conquest as a replacement for balanced, genuine, human love.  He lacked a healthy connection with the feminine, and has lived a life of projected pain and anger, searching for a reason to feel valuable in his own unconscious mind.

This does not “justify” his behaviour or make it right. But it does ask us to reconsider the reflexive response of vile hatred that you will find in the comments on his youtube videos. We hate what we fear, what we are afraid to admit might lurk within us all. And most of all, we hate what makes us feel powerless, because then we name ourselves as a victim, and a victim has no hope, no direction, no relief from the ongoing suffering of being devalued and made small. Victimhood is one of the lowest vibrations we can hold, and releasing such associations can be a powerful step toward setting our own hearts free.

Bullies

I deeply believe that when there are no more victims, there will be no more bullies. That when every woman clears her own fears, no wounded man will be able to stop her from standing in her own grace. When each one of us finds the soul freedom within to rise up, to say no, to push back, to charge ahead with our own desires, dreams and values, it is here we will find the answer to the Trumps and Ghomeshis of the world.  Again, I emphasize that the suggestion that a woman who has experienced assault or abuse may empower herself, does not lay blame upon her in any way.  In fact, it is our punitive and vengeful judicial system and a culture of perceiving women as helpless victims that spawns words like “slut” and casts situations like the Ghomeshi trial into a sickening spiral of shame upon shame. And make no mistake, there are countless men who are caught within this same patterning. Women also bully men. Adults dominate children. Racial groups demean other racial groups. Humans oppress other animal species. The game of pass the powerlessness is central to our fear of being cast out from heaven because we are unworthy. And all roads lead to the same antidote, a waking up, a rising consciousness of Love.

If, in our righteous responses, we keep chasing down perpetrators and commiserating with helplessness, we lose the chance to transform our collective Karma, to learn from these painful teachings and make a new life, a new way.  Louise Hay emerged from an abusive childhood and a series of abusive relationships to eventually proclaimed that abusive men no longer knew her name.  She dedicated her life to transforming her own patterning, which in turn transformed her experiences with men, not to mention her massive community of students and fans worldwide. 

“And when you’re a star, they let you do it, you can do anything.”

Why do women fall for narcissists, why do they give in and stay silent, why do they return to abusers, why do they hide and cry in corners and bathrooms, why do they not fight back, tell the truth, walk away? Why do they so often put aside good judgement, and then when things do go wrong, be so afraid to stand up for themselves? Why do they engage in this dance of wounding with its crippling effects, living a life of alternating rage and shame?

Why do we all run from that which plagues us, when every guidance tells us that we are the creators, the authors of our world. Why not finally give ourselves permission? Why not take back what is ours?

What if we found the deep courage to wipe away ALL blame, to become the observer of such situations in our lives, and instead of projecting our fear and sensationalizing the “perpetrator”, give our loving and healing energy to lifting up the one who has been made small?  What if we turned the tables on our judicial system, our penal system, our cultural bias toward vengeance and retribution as a solution, and instead pursued the true healing of awakening, in gratitude for the karmic teachings and challenges of our lives?

Freedom from Fear

From the first time I viewed this video of this remarkable young woman, I was moved to tears by the self-permission she has discovered within herself, to be proud, brave, fierce and untouchable.  This is no act, no defence, but a genuine passion, the expression of a liberated feminine power.

My immediate reaction to this video?  No boy, no man, is every going to mess with this girl. And just imagine if every little girl made this same discovery within herself. Martial arts is one way, but there are others. What counts is the fierce choice within her, not just to survive or even prevail, but to conquer her own fear, quite apart from sexuality, or even gender.

If every woman that Trump, Dmitri, Ghomeshi or even Peter encountered, held this level of clarity and self assurance, they would not fall prey to the excessive confidence of a narcissist, or the unbalanced hunger of a sexual predator. They would not energetically invite or permit such experiences. If every child, girl or boy, were taught to allow this level of self expression, we would end the karma of victimization for good.

We are now living in the age of the end of Karmic stories.  We now have awareness, and tools, and whole communities committed to working together to raise a new consciousness, one that knows no blame, no polarization, and holds all possibilities for new definitions of femininity, masculinity, and the extinction of victimhood. Let us keep asking the uncomfortable questions which will take us to this place, and turn our attention to the positive forces that may uplift us, and allow old wounds to die away. Far beyond questions of our sexual natures, we will encounter opportunities to set free our very reason for being, for living in joy upon this Earth, this realm of the theatrical, the transformational, and the alchemy of truth.

Whatever you have suffered, I promise you, there is meaning within it. However you have been made to feel powerless, I promise you, you can reclaim it. There is a revolution afoot, and beyond this election, beyond politics of any kind, Love will prevail. These are the lessons of our time.