FIRST BITE: The Challenge of Relationship

A transmission for a young couple embarking on the deep journey of relationship…

All of us

born as children upon the Earth

spend much of our lives

attempting to return to the place

of bliss

of innocence

of safety

that we seem to have left behind

This is natural and human

yet our fears hinder our joy

and it is a new discovery of trust

that will lead us toward the peace

that allows our true power

and purpose

to emerge in our lives

One of the most common avenues

of expression of this search

may be found in our intimate relationships

for as we first begin to adore one another

instead of realizing that we open

to our own love

in this way

we think that we have found an answer

to our essential fears

in the presence of the other

which is of course

impossible

and so in due time

our safety becomes even more threatened

than before we dreamt of love

and entered its domain

Often

when this unsettling awakening begins between two

each looks to the other

as the cause of their pain

or one may take on guilt

and desire to run

Yet while these times are not easy

they are a great blessing to all

for without such awareness

our personal mistrust

would remain hidden

far from the opportunity for healing

that now is potentially found

Between you two

there is much commonality

and much similarity

You are in some ways like cousins

brother and sister

and you recognize and know
one another

as kindred souls

This was the pull
that drew you together

You became two against the world

in common understanding

finding shelter
under the same umbrella

hiding together

from the same rain

Each looked at the other and thought

here I will not encounter

the foolishness

of the rest of the world

here I will find

what makes me comfortable

makes me feel right

in the face of so much that is unacceptable

all around me

and so I can continue

being what I have always been

but with a partner

to bolster my commitment

to these ways

But slowly

fallibility crept in

human failings could not be hidden

and so when one observes inadequacy in the other

then the inner child fears

to see the same wound in the self

and it is easier

far easier

to distance this discomfort

by feeling alienation

and blame

You and I against the world

becomes

you are not what I thought

you are just like the rest of the world

so I am now me alone

and this betrayal

stirs deep fear

that hinders intimacy

and in this way

the walls get higher and higher

until it seems

there is no way up

from the spiral that pulls you both down

While this experience springs from

the same essential wound

it manifests differently in the two of you

each according to quite common

feminine and masculine models of defense

against pain

In the feminine

she retreats into questioning the self

She tries to please

and then is angry at herself for doing so

She feels she has denied herself pleasures

but has not been appreciated for this

and so quiet bitterness builds

and inner anger lies atop of despair

as she feels trapped

inside a world she has helped create

and yet

where she does not belong

In the masculine

he takes a stand of being the one who is right

of closing his heart

into a coolness that implies he is not touched

as much as she

and yet nothing could be further from the truth

He walks in self righteousness

as if he is beyond such things

and yet his inner voices are raised in terror

that his own vulnerability will be discovered

and his fragile comfort

dethroned

In both

there is a habit of containment

of propriety

of not permitting excess

or anything that would be perceived

as lack of control

In him

because it would be dangerous

in her

because it would be judged

and so it is as if

the two of you are trying to have

a conversation

while both of your mouths are bound shut

trying to make love

while standing in separate rooms

The depth of this distance

may not yet be apparent

as part of the defense

is to believe that everything is fine

so long as it looks fine

to the rest of the world

like a beautiful cloth

placed over a table scarred by heat and rage

The dinner can take place

and no one will ever know

but how can the meal be digested

how can honesty be found

Where is the joy in gathering at such a table

when all is false

no matter how pretty the dishes

how carefully the napkins are arranged?

You are asked

as individuals

quite apart from your work as a couple

in relationship

to begin with a new process of truth seeking

of spending time each of you alone

going within

always within

rather than the old habit of focusing on

what the other is doing wrong

All healing must begin

with individual responsibility

for your own pain and joy

It is never the task of another

to make you happy

and never your job to control the behaviour

of a partner

either for your own benefit

or because you have convinced yourself

that it is for their own good

This cycle of blame and guilt

victimization and recrimination

must be broken

in order for each of you to observe

your own fears

for this is the place that will initiate change

and help you see

that you have been searching in error

from the very beginning

Once you discover your own beauty

and your own weaknesses

you can no longer believe

that hiding in companionship

with someone else’s beauty and weaknesses

will help your fear

And the truth is

you are safe

Each of you

and both of you

as One

For her

it is not your job to measure up

to anyone else’s desires

not a partner or parents

not your perception of the rules

of your community

or your world

It is not safer to hide

from the judgement of others

for in this

you simply perpetuate

your own feelings of unworthiness

No one can judge you

except you

and as you realize this

you will set yourself free

as never before

For him

Discovering your vulnerability

will be the greatest gift you can ever

give yourself

To admit to feelings of weakness

fears of losing love

feelings of inadequacy

these expressions will shatter lifetimes

of defenses that you now carry

like smashing the case of glass

in which you have hidden

your true heart

You have so much more love

within you

than you have dreamt

and when you perceive love

or perfection lacking

in others around you

it is only your own limitations

that you sense

because you have hidden

your love away

for so very long

It is as if the two of you

sit hungry

before a great feast

and neither can eat

because each one waits

for the other to take the first bite

Even if one has the courage

to lead the way

by opening to the realization

that you cannot hurt one another

and that you only limit yourselves

this awareness will immediately guide you

toward the trust and safety

that each of you have been seeking

from the start

Follow the trail

of your own individual stories

to learn as much as you can

about where your woundings began

Speak these stories to one another

as if you told them for the first time

truly

and without blame

I feel this

I want that

I am afraid of this

I would love that…

Simply listening to one another

without attempting to fix

correct

or provide the answer

will initiate a new kind of communication

that will open your hearts

Viewing one another

simply as fellow soul travelers

not as rescuer

or comforter

may first bring up fears that you are alone

and yet

it is through this truth

that you will discover that in our aloneness

we are all one

there are no more enemies

no more opposites

and no more need to be better than

or separate from

the rest of the world

Put an end to war

by daring to open
your individual hearts

and you will never look back

Trust that you hold all answers

to your own safety

and you have nothing to fear

wherever

and with whomever you walk

Love begins and ends

in the Self

that is one

with All

WORLD WITHOUT FEAR

FIRST BITE: The Challenge of Relationship

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